Of Liver and Leeks
by Wind Alias
Summary: Kyo goes on something equivalent to an acid-trip when he is forced to eat liver and leeks. Prepare for Kyo in a dress. T for a bit of a dirty mouth.
1. Down The Rabbit Hole

_**Of Liver and Leeks**_

_**A Fruits Basket Fanfiction**_

_**Chapter One: Down the Rabbit Hole**_

Kyo did not enjoy leeks.

Which is why it was hard for him to understand why anyone, especially someone who was as good a cook as Tohru, would even bother trying to render the veggie into an even remotely edible form. Because quite frankly, it was impossible; leeks were obviously not made to be eaten. Who would eat something so….so long and green and repulsive, like some strange frozen-booger popsicle? Which brought another problem; the simple fact that the rat was always trying to find some new way to cram one down his esophagus.

" Since Honda-san has the decency to cook it, you should at least have the decency to eat what she makes." Yuki said coolly as he scooped up a fatty load of leeks in his chopsticks.

"I think you should have the decency to understand '_no means no_'"! Kyo remarked acidly as he took a bite of his grilled cheese. The bread was stale and the cheese had a strange blue fuzz on it, but, hey, it was better than the crap Yuki was somehow managing to stomach.

Yuki didn't miss a beat. " Can you even spell decency, stupid cat?"

Kyo glared over his sandwich. It was starting to make him feel ill. He opened his mouth to shoot something snarkily Yuki's way, but his mouth was too clogged with dairy product so he promptly swallowed, and reopened his mouth-

And got a mouth full of poison.

Kyo immediately tried to cough the leeks back up, but Yuki clamped his fingers over his nose, and finally, Kyo was forced to swallow.

He felt like throwing up. No, that was an understatement; he felt like his organs were flipping inside out and eating themselves all over again. The bitter leek taste lingered in the back of his throat no matter how much he coughed or threatened to chuck in the kitchen sink. His insides coiled and twisted as if they too were trying to avoid the disgusting greens. Kyo clutched his stomach and staggered out of his chair, past an awestricken Tohru and amused Shigure. He noted absently that it was starting to get dark and that maybe he should turn a light on in his head when he collided with the kitchen cabinet. The silver knob connected with his forehead and before he could so much as mutter a curse, Kyo slumped to the floor with an unceremonious 'thud'.

Yuki leaned over the table for a better look.

"…….I'm not paying for his hospital bill, right?"

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He was falling. Past a myriad of hues, past blues and reds and oranges and pinks and maroons and yellows and even a sickening green-as-leeks color, past random bits of floating furniture eerily similar to those of the Sohma household, and even a very sad looking cow claiming to be named Betsy.

Down, down, down. He was beginning to wonder if the fall would ever end. Really, it was starting to become a bit ridiculous. Betsy was following him now, begging to be milked, and that stupid blue petticoat kept slapping him in the eye-

Petticoat?

Kyo looked down at himself for the very first time. He found himself staring down at a blue and white dress much too tight at the hips and not tight enough at the legs. He wiggled his toes and felt them clack against a cold hardness that he presumed to be shoes of some sort. He couldn't see them, because the big stupid dress was fat and all in the way. He glared down at it and bit his lip. This dream was closer to a nightmare. He continued to glare until he realized that he was rather close to the ground now, and it was only a few moments later before he gently landed tip-toed in a field.

" Oh my ears and whickers, I'm late!" Kyo turned. His jaw hit the floor. Standing there in a neon pink leotard with a matching pair of rabbit ears and dance shoes was a being that looked strangely similar to Momoji. Kyo opened his mouth and said the first thing he'd said the entire time he'd been falling.

" What the fu-"

Or tried to, at least, until the Momoji-That-Wasn't kicked him in the shins and shoved a pocket watch in his face.

" Oh, shut up will you, Mary Anne?! I'm late, I'm late, and you're standing in the freakin' way!" Kyo decided then that this was not Momoji as he hissed and grabbed at his shin. " And for a matter of fact, so are you! You aren't dressed, or primped, or anything!" And since Kyo was still at his level, the cheeky little bastard pinched his nose. " Your nose isn't even powdered! Didn't you get the memo? The Queen of Hearts is having a another very merry Unbirthday today, and we still have to get the groceries, presents, and frilly streamers! _And_ get you dressed properly! _Honestly_, kids these days!"

Kyo pushed the cute menace away from him. " _Look_, you brat! Stop bossing me around! I'll go where I want, when I want, and right now I just want to get out of here! And, my name is not _Mary Anne_; it's Kyo, and if you don't stop pulling my arms-"

The-Momoji-That-Wasn't promptly kicked in a much lower place. " Mary Anne, Gloria, Carla, Lindsey- I don't care who you are! _I'm late, so let's GO!"_ He grabbed Kyo's leg and began dragging him through the grass towards a very strange door with a very large proboscis.

Kyo didn't resist this time. He was having trouble breathing.


	2. The Pool Of Tears

_**Last Chapter: **__Kyo pushed the cute menace away from him. "Look, you brat! Stop bossing me around! I'll go where I want, when I want, and right now I just want to get out of here! And, my name is not __Mary Anne__; it's Kyo, and if you don't stop pulling my arms-"_

_The-Momoji-That-Wasn't promptly kicked in a much lower place. "Mary Anne, Gloria, Carla, Lindsey- I don't care who you are! __I'm late, so let's GO!"__ He grabbed Kyo's leg and began dragging him through the grass towards a very strange door with a very large proboscis._

_Kyo didn't resist this time. He was having trouble breathing._

**Of Liver and Leeks**

**A **_**Furuba**_** Fanfiction**

**Chapter Two: The Pool of Tears**

The Momoji-That-Wasn't dragged him towards a very large door connected to absolutely nothing with remarkable determination. "Freakin' Unbirthday parties," he mumbled as he dragged Kyo. "This is just great, just great."

Kyo leaned up in time to miss braining himself on a particularly nasty rock. "What's eating you?" He'd decided that if this was a dream, then he'd just go along with it…unless got too ridiculous.

The Momoji-That-Wasn't didn't even look over his shoulder as he spoke. "Are you kidding me? I get up every morning to drop my twelve kids off at a school that costs too much, live with a wife that annoys the hell out of me, and go to work for a job that pays too little with people I can't stand. What's eating _me?_ The fact that I do the same thing every day- 'Plan a very merry Unbirthday', 'go to a very merry Unbirthday', 'the Queen's having another _very merry freakin' Unbirthday!_'" he sneered.

Kyo glanced up at him. "Twelve kids?" he said in surprise. "But you're younger than me!"

The Momoji-That-Wasn't finally drug him up to the very strange door and snorted. "Ever hear the term, "Screw like rabbits?" When Kyo nodded, he continued. "Yeah, that term came from my wife. God, do you know what it's like havin' sex with a woman over three hundred pounds?" he shuddered. "Be glad. Hey, we're here. Get up."

Kyo stood and dusted his dress off. God, he couldn't wait to take it off. Before them was a large brown door with a very strange keyhole. "Momoji" strode up to it, got onto his tip-toes, and promptly punched him it in the eye. "Hey! Wake up Charles!" The doorknob cracked open one large doleful eye.

"Whu? Huh? Oh. To enter Wonderland, you must use the key on that table-

"Oh, cut the bull, Charles! Just open the staff entrance! I'm late!" The Momoji-That-Wasn't growled. Charles glared at him, sighed. A mini door opened inside the large door. "Momoji" smirked then pushed Kyo forward. "Hurry it up and go through the door. I still have to get you dressed, and goddang it _I'm late!_" He shoved Kyo through the door quickly, but not fast enough to miss the doorknob muttering: "Lord, those girls get uglier everyday……"

"Momoji" shoved Kyo down a corridor that could easily be called the affair child of Whimsy and Cocaine. Colors and shapes collided together in garish formations, and strange and disconcerting images flit past at random intervals. "C'mon, c'mon, hurry. We still have to get you primped and out of that dress. We're going to see the Queen, and her Royal Highness will be positively offended if you come in looking like that. I mean, this dress is _cheap_-"

Kyo slapped his hand away. "Stop shoving me! And, what do you mean, going to see the Queen? And can you please get me a change of clothes?!" Momoji-That-Wasn't crossed his arms and frowned, but kept hurrying away.

"If you want the answers, then you better follow! Otherwise, I'm late!" he called tauntingly. Kyo glared after him for a moment, and then reluctantly began to jog after him. He did want a change of clothes.

"Hey! Wait!" Kyo shouted after him. "I'm coming! Can I get some clothes? Or something?" The Momoji-That-Wasn't slowed down as he reached another door labeled 'Dressing Room'.

"Go in here. Tell them you're attending the Queen's Unbirthday; they'll know what to do. In the meantime, I'ma go get those party streamers, then we'll go get the party presents and groceries. Oh yeah, and don't freak out about Signor Lupe, alright?"

"Lupe?"

"Momoji" shrugged and began to jog away after handing him the key. "You'll figure it out once you're in there, kiddo. Good luck, Mary-Anne!"

"You're younger than me! And my name is Kyo!"

" _What_ever!"

Kyo bristled, then shrugged and, putting the key in the hole, walked into the dressing room-"Hey, I'm going to the Queen's Unbirthday and-"

And fell right into a fuzzing bathtub.

"Bleh! Gah, what is thi- hey! What are you doing?! Don-don't take my clothes off! Stop scrubbing me! Hey, you, handsy! I said sto- woah! Above the waist!" Kyo struggled as hands grabbed him from behind and began scrubbing him vigorously. He tried to twist out of the groping hands multiple times, until a chilling voice whispered in his ear: "You'll like it more if you don't struggle, y'know."

Kyo froze, and it was only by sheer force of will that he managed to turn his head. Standing behind him, naked except for a very skinny, revealing loincloth, was Haru. By his hand were a back scrubber and a bar of pink strawberry soap. The black-and-white haired teen raised a single eyebrow at the expression on his face.

"What's wrong, my love?" Warm hands tightened around his chest. Kyo shook them off immediately, the blush on his face growing. He'd seen Haru naked before, but this, this was different. Last time he checked, Haru still respected the rules of personal space. He wasn't so sure about this one. When he voiced this question, Haru laughed.

"Why should I stop touching you? This is my job-royal guest washer. Now, come closer to me. Maybe if I finish the job quickly, we'll be able to do something a little more fun afterwards." When he waggled his eyebrows at this, Kyo decided that, like "Momoji", this was definitely not Haru, and he definitely wanted to throw up. He attempted to move even further away, but Haru caught him and scrubbed him with such an intense speed that it wasn't too long before he was done and Haru was drying him off. Hands began making their way towards Kyo's chest. "Now, let's-"

"Uh, that's okay. Can I ask you a question? Or two?" Kyo remarked as he took the towel and began to dry off. "Where am I? And, why are you so happy? And who is the Queen?"

Haru sat down on the edge of the tub. "You asked for two, and two I will answer," he said cryptically before returning to a happier mood. "You, my dear, are in the glorious capital of Wonderland, WonderWild, governed by the currently ruling Parliament family Heartz. As for the second- I am always happy. In fact, I'm quite known for that, and my love of all things beautiful and unique." He added with a wink towards Kyo. Said young man shuddered. "That's two, and I'm afraid we've wasted any extra time with these silly questions of yours," he said with a glance at the watch he suddenly seemed to be wearing. "Go through the Rasta curtain there, and finish getting dressed. Afterwards, you're free to do as your schedule wishes. Go on, shoo. I've other guests to attend to. See you later." As if on cue, a young woman burst into the dressing room, ripping her dress off as she flew, and Haru dove back into the water with a sense of purpose. Kyo watched for a moment, first interested and then very, very disgusted, and finally he trudged naked and wet to the Rasta curtain.

Before he even reached it, however, a very large and sweaty hand grabbed him from behind the beaded curtain and pulled him into the darkness beyond it with a giggle.

"Oooh, what do we have here?" A heavily accented voice purred. A light flicked on, and Kyo looked up at the most disturbing sight to grace his eyes since he'd entered this 'Wonderland'. Well, maybe besides Betsy.

A large, thick eye lashed man stared down at him. He was ripped and covered in hair, and he also happened to be in a bright pink tutu with a matching boa around his neck. Neon blue lipstick had been applied haphazardly to his face, and twin circles of blush adorned his cheeks. The strange man cooed at him and pinched his cheek. He understood now why Momoji-That-Wasn't had warned him; it was a pretty disturbing sight. "You're a pretty one, that's for sure. Let me guess your name. Erm, Lillian? Lovely!" Kyo opened his mouth to correct him, but Signor Lupe was already away rummaging through a rack of dresses. "Is there anything in particular that you're looking for?"

"Uhm, no. Well, I'm going to, the uh, Queen's Unbirthday party? Some pants might be nic-"

"I have just the thing!" Lupe cheered, pulling a garment bag out of the chest. "Here we are!" he pulled it from the bag and shook out the outfit.

It was a strapless dress of deepest ebony occapanied by a ball gown skirt. Floral lace and bust lacing surrounded a square round neck and blooms of ivory flowers grew decoratively at the fringe of the dress. The dress came down low on the back, stopping just above the curve of Kyo's hip, where a string of black floral beads came together as a sort of tie for the back of the dress. Silver embroidery trailed a swirling pattern by the lower left hand side of the dress, like a fickle water current.

Kyo's first words when he saw it?

"Fuck no," he snapped. "I want pants. I am not wearing a dress." Lupe puffed out his cheeks and frowned.

"But, honey, this dress was just made for you! And, just look at the shoes!" he held up a pair of black heels, not too elegant and not too plain, with a single white flower near the open toe slot. "You can't deny them! Just look how shiny these are!" Indeed, they were shiny, kind of like snake egg stones.

"Pants!" he demanded forcefully some how, even though he was still naked.

"Dress!" Lupe retorted.

"Pants!"

"Dress!"

"_Pants_!"

"_Dress_!"

Lupe turned his back on him. "Then I guess you'll be going naked then, now won't you?"

Kyo glared at his back fiercely, and then sighed reluctantly. "Dress," he mumbled. Lupe brightened and within a few moments Kyo was all trussed up. Lupe stuck a few barrettes into his hair along with a matching necklace. Kyo didn't allow the earrings.

"There you are, Lillian. You look gorgeous! Now, you get out there and party, you man-killer you!" he giggled, and then pushed Kyo beyond the other side of the Rasta curtain and out of the Dressing Room.

Kyo stumbled a bit in his heels, and fell right on his bottom outside the door. He looked at his hands, his shoes, his dress. He pinched his cheek. He really, really wished he would wake up….


End file.
